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May. 28th, 2012


I was just told about a dinner that I wouldnt have been told about if I hadnt called my "friend". I put quotes around her name cuz i dunno if shes really my friend or not. I just spilled my guts to her and cried my eyes out cuz of how shitty I feel and have felt for weeks and then the one thing I was looking forward to got cancelled so I just feel crappy. I need a nap

May. 18th, 2012

Friday I'm in love

Just another day and I'm so tired

Can't seem to wake up today, I'm tempted to take a power nap but it would only make me more tired

Just soooooo glad it's Friday

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


May. 12th, 2012


Is anyone listening?

Apr. 28th, 2012

Double edged

So food is the only thing that makes me feel any better lately. I have a friend who makes me feel better but I cant be around him 24/7 so I choose food cuz if I eat, it fills the hole that makes me wanna cut myself. So I thought that watching this documentary on self injury would be like a strengthening thing but it was the opposite. I wanna cut really badly. And then looking at myself in the mirror makes me wanna cut. Then I found a roach leg in my towel, that made me wanna cut cuz it was gross. I feel guilty that I hate my new apartment. I feel stressed over money. Im alone and lonely and the only reason Im happy being alone is that I can cut and no one will know but Ill have to tell my doctors cuz I see them for acupuncture and they will see the cuts so I cant cut cuz of that. Food is making me fat and its not good to eat junk. I just am SO frustrated right now. I wish I wasnt alone cuz then I wouldnt cut myself for sure. I just need to push against the urge I guess. Ugh so frustrated

Mar. 19th, 2012

Just another day.,..

Well I know I'm an addict stuck in a downward spiral although its a bit easier to hide. I hate being what I am. I hate being addicted to food or cutting or alcohol or whatever else makes me what I am. Its catching up with me, its causing me to become to ugly and fat. I just cant keep feeling so bad lately but maybe things will change someday soon, maybe moving will be good for me. I hope so...I hope the packing gets done completely. Im not sure what else to do today as far as packing goes...Ill work on my room again I guess. Ugh I just feel crappy and im sick of feeling this way

Mar. 17th, 2012

Annoyed and alone

Well Ive been left here to pack alone, I guess thats ok but Im kinda annoyed. I could really use some help or just some company but its ok. This is all my fault we are even moving at all. I just want to get it over with. Maybe my bad thoughts and self injurious urges will stop when I am in a new, less cluttered atmosphere.

Oh and my laptop is falling apart just like my life! Yay!

Mar. 3rd, 2012


After I move, Im getting more tattoos like I always wanted. Im sick of these urges and I think tattoos would help cuz it would help me get past the urgest in a more...healthy way. Might as well express myself artistically through my body since no one wants me and I cant really express myself through my body through making love or something. I need a outlet...im about ready to explode. I am seriously going to snap if I dont get an outlet soon. Food is only temporarily helping. Im talking to myself.

May. 16th, 2011

Writer's Block: You've got the look

Which item in your wardrobe would shock the fashion police? Do you wear it in public?

I have nothing that would shock fashion police because I am too afraid of what people would think. I wish I could be brave enough to wear what i want.

Mar. 10th, 2011

Professional cindarella...

I dont feel crazy. Not like I used to. THings are more balanced in my head, less fuzzy but I still have a problem. Im an addict. Food, cutting, fantasies. Ex addict of alcohol, cigarettes and men.

Well, I still love men, they just love me back for the wrong reasons and sometimes, the right ones don't even love me back how I need them to. Never seems to fall into place in that category.

I've kinda accepted the fact I may never get what i want with the love thing, or what i need. Although I dunno for sure what i need...

But I am addicted. I may have born normal, but I am not living normally.

I am very unsatisfied. Nothing seems to fill the hole anymore. Something did a long time ago, I'm not sure what it was but I remember feeling a little more filled up...a little more full. I can't seem to get full. With food or anything. Nothing helps fill in the cracks anymore.

My Mom would say it's God. Other people would say it's AA. I would say...well, If I knew I would fill the crack wouldn't I?

Maybe for now, I'll keep doing what I'm doing carefully until I feel better, until I feel like I need to make some sort of real move.

Until next time...

Feb. 23rd, 2011

Eh not so much anymore...

I haven't posted here in a very long time. I dunno if anyone even monitors this anymore but that's ok. I forgot about journaling and I should do it more.I'm so thankful it has spell check.

I bought herbal diet pills, took two and then ate ice cream. It's ridiculous how much of an addict I am.

Addicted to men, food, alcohol, cutting, ciggies, drugs...I've given up all but food only cuz i have to eat to survive...which is almost a pain in the ass to be honest.

Today was a sucky day and the rest of the week will be too because everyone seems to think I am in charge at work and I got roped into selling clothes for someone when I never even agreed to do it but I haven't the heart to tell her no cuz she's so nice. Whatever..

I have cramps and I'm tired.

Nothing more

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