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Double edged

So food is the only thing that makes me feel any better lately. I have a friend who makes me feel better but I cant be around him 24/7 so I choose food cuz if I eat, it fills the hole that makes me wanna cut myself. So I thought that watching this documentary on self injury would be like a strengthening thing but it was the opposite. I wanna cut really badly. And then looking at myself in the mirror makes me wanna cut. Then I found a roach leg in my towel, that made me wanna cut cuz it was gross. I feel guilty that I hate my new apartment. I feel stressed over money. Im alone and lonely and the only reason Im happy being alone is that I can cut and no one will know but Ill have to tell my doctors cuz I see them for acupuncture and they will see the cuts so I cant cut cuz of that. Food is making me fat and its not good to eat junk. I just am SO frustrated right now. I wish I wasnt alone cuz then I wouldnt cut myself for sure. I just need to push against the urge I guess. Ugh so frustrated

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May 2012

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