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May. 28th, 2012

Sucky

I was just told about a dinner that I wouldnt have been told about if I hadnt called my "friend". I put quotes around her name cuz i dunno if shes really my friend or not. I just spilled my guts to her and cried my eyes out cuz of how shitty I feel and have felt for weeks and then the one thing I was looking forward to got cancelled so I just feel crappy. I need a nap

May. 18th, 2012

Friday I'm in love

Just another day and I'm so tired

Can't seem to wake up today, I'm tempted to take a power nap but it would only make me more tired

Just soooooo glad it's Friday

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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May. 12th, 2012

Hello?

Is anyone listening?

Apr. 28th, 2012

Double edged

So food is the only thing that makes me feel any better lately. I have a friend who makes me feel better but I cant be around him 24/7 so I choose food cuz if I eat, it fills the hole that makes me wanna cut myself. So I thought that watching this documentary on self injury would be like a strengthening thing but it was the opposite. I wanna cut really badly. And then looking at myself in the mirror makes me wanna cut. Then I found a roach leg in my towel, that made me wanna cut cuz it was gross. I feel guilty that I hate my new apartment. I feel stressed over money. Im alone and lonely and the only reason Im happy being alone is that I can cut and no one will know but Ill have to tell my doctors cuz I see them for acupuncture and they will see the cuts so I cant cut cuz of that. Food is making me fat and its not good to eat junk. I just am SO frustrated right now. I wish I wasnt alone cuz then I wouldnt cut myself for sure. I just need to push against the urge I guess. Ugh so frustrated

Mar. 19th, 2012

Just another day.,..

Well I know I'm an addict stuck in a downward spiral although its a bit easier to hide. I hate being what I am. I hate being addicted to food or cutting or alcohol or whatever else makes me what I am. Its catching up with me, its causing me to become to ugly and fat. I just cant keep feeling so bad lately but maybe things will change someday soon, maybe moving will be good for me. I hope so...I hope the packing gets done completely. Im not sure what else to do today as far as packing goes...Ill work on my room again I guess. Ugh I just feel crappy and im sick of feeling this way

Mar. 17th, 2012

Annoyed and alone

Well Ive been left here to pack alone, I guess thats ok but Im kinda annoyed. I could really use some help or just some company but its ok. This is all my fault we are even moving at all. I just want to get it over with. Maybe my bad thoughts and self injurious urges will stop when I am in a new, less cluttered atmosphere.

Oh and my laptop is falling apart just like my life! Yay!

Mar. 3rd, 2012

Urges

After I move, Im getting more tattoos like I always wanted. Im sick of these urges and I think tattoos would help cuz it would help me get past the urgest in a more...healthy way. Might as well express myself artistically through my body since no one wants me and I cant really express myself through my body through making love or something. I need a outlet...im about ready to explode. I am seriously going to snap if I dont get an outlet soon. Food is only temporarily helping. Im talking to myself.

May. 16th, 2011

Writer's Block: You've got the look

Which item in your wardrobe would shock the fashion police? Do you wear it in public?

I have nothing that would shock fashion police because I am too afraid of what people would think. I wish I could be brave enough to wear what i want.

Mar. 10th, 2011

Professional cindarella...

I dont feel crazy. Not like I used to. THings are more balanced in my head, less fuzzy but I still have a problem. Im an addict. Food, cutting, fantasies. Ex addict of alcohol, cigarettes and men.

Well, I still love men, they just love me back for the wrong reasons and sometimes, the right ones don't even love me back how I need them to. Never seems to fall into place in that category.

I've kinda accepted the fact I may never get what i want with the love thing, or what i need. Although I dunno for sure what i need...

But I am addicted. I may have born normal, but I am not living normally.

I am very unsatisfied. Nothing seems to fill the hole anymore. Something did a long time ago, I'm not sure what it was but I remember feeling a little more filled up...a little more full. I can't seem to get full. With food or anything. Nothing helps fill in the cracks anymore.

My Mom would say it's God. Other people would say it's AA. I would say...well, If I knew I would fill the crack wouldn't I?

Maybe for now, I'll keep doing what I'm doing carefully until I feel better, until I feel like I need to make some sort of real move.

Until next time...

Feb. 23rd, 2011

Eh not so much anymore...

I haven't posted here in a very long time. I dunno if anyone even monitors this anymore but that's ok. I forgot about journaling and I should do it more.I'm so thankful it has spell check.

I bought herbal diet pills, took two and then ate ice cream. It's ridiculous how much of an addict I am.

Addicted to men, food, alcohol, cutting, ciggies, drugs...I've given up all but food only cuz i have to eat to survive...which is almost a pain in the ass to be honest.

Today was a sucky day and the rest of the week will be too because everyone seems to think I am in charge at work and I got roped into selling clothes for someone when I never even agreed to do it but I haven't the heart to tell her no cuz she's so nice. Whatever..

I have cramps and I'm tired.

Nothing more

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